Compiled by Mike
It’s November. Which means you’ll soon be starting your Christmas shopping. Here’s Mike’s guide on toys and games that you shouldn’t buy your children this year.
Don’t Take Buster’s Bones:
Despite what the title may suggest, the object of the game is to take Buster’s bones.
The game is basically another Buckaroo style game, here, instead of adding things you take things away until the dog barks at you. The game is described as a “nerve-wracking game of bone stealing fun.” I’ve never heard the words “stealing” and “fun” in the same sentence.
The game where you clean up dog shit, because that’s what kids want!
Doggie Doo, or as I call it Shitter the Dog, is probably one of the worst ideas for a children’s toy since Baby Wee Wee, a baby doll that pisses itself. Feed the dog until it craps itself, then clean it up. It’s just like having a real dog, only it’s made out of plastic.
Pull bogeys out of Louie’s nose until his head explodes.
Watch that video and listen to the guy’s reaction when Louie’s brains fly out. He sounds pretty nonchalant about it. To be honest, I’d be more inclined to buy the thing if it looked more like this:
The classic waste of time that is the Rubik’s Cube.
That advert doesn’t work either. Just look at that kid, sitting at the dinner table all day and night, losing sleep, just trying to figure out the Rubik’s Cube, all the while his cube comes to life and laughs at his pathetic attempts, and his family have given up on him, and just leave him there. Seriously, the kid’s mom comes down in the middle of the night, and just ignores him.
Because joke shop toys are better when bought all at once in a big box.
Here, you get to make one of those pot fart things, because buying one would be too easy, and “gross spots for your sister.” Not sure why they’re for your sister, but hey, do whatever you want with it, it’s your parents who’ll be cleaning up fake snot from the carpet, not you.
Booms Bangs Fizzes:
Another science kit from John Adams here. Well, I say science.
While it is exciting to blow stuff up and make a mess, think parents, who’s going to be cleaning it up? Even if you do it outside, it still has to be cleaned up by someone. So if you enjoy spending Christmas Day cleaning up the garden in the cold, this is for you.
Thomas Action Tracks:
Because small children are stupid.
I don’t know about you, but when I was a toddler, stuff like this had more going on. There were tunnels and bridges and car parks and lifts and even a ferry which would actually float on water. These days toddlers seem happy just sending Thomas down a ramp over and over and over again.
“Now let’s forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream.”
The whole fun with toys like this, be it Barbie or Action Man, is making up your own stories, your own scenarios, and your own adventures, but here, they’ve made it so we don’t have to use our imagination by giving us the ability to just act out bits from Barbie Life in the Dreamhouse. Also, what the hell is up with that recorder? That girl clearly says “I need new shoes.” But the doll repeats it as “Fz fzzz fzz fzzzz.”
Golden Coin Maker:
Because just buying chocolate coins is too easy.
I’m sure everyone knows someone who likes something like, say, strawberries, and so you buy them anything to do with strawberries. Strawberry patterned clothes, curtains, those things that takes the green bit out for you. Well, let’s say you know someone who likes chocolate coins, a bag of coins would be a good present, this would be a bad present. People don’t want to make chocolate coins, they want to eat them. And look how complex it is, cover the chocolate in foil with one device, then put an imprint on it with another, all so you can remove the foil and throw it in the bin, and I’m surprised there isn’t another device for that too.
Because that’s what girls like right? Shoes?
When they say “unleash the show designer in you.” They really mean stick stuff on shoes that as too small for you to wear. I mean, isn’t that a bit sexist? “You’re a girl you keep you mind on simple things, like shoes. Best make a reminder on your Talking Barbie to buy new ones.”
House of Witchez Witchy Princesses:
Let me tell you what’s bad about this toy, apart from the fact it’s a Bratz toy.
The thing with this is it includes a glow in the dark bird which the witches wear on their heads, because why not? Now, the advert says that the birds “light the way.” Now anyone who knows anything about glow in the dark toys would know that you have to be in pretty much pitch darkness for you to notice the damn thing glowing.
Mask and Ask:
Guess Who for people who don’t mind looking stupid.
So basically, you sit in a circle wearing masks guessing what you are. Well, I hope you have three siblings who are bored as hell, because you’re whole family aren’t going to sit around with you and play this stupid game. They’re adults, they’ve got important stuff to do, they have to cook your dinner for a start, and you should be doing your homework, so take that dumb mask off and get your books out!
Scooby Doo Mega Trap Set:
Sadly, I couldn’t find an advert for this one, but allow me to describe it to you. Imagine the Mouse Hunt game, now imagine that if it was just separate parts and not a full connected game, and you’ve got Scooby Doo Mega Trap Set. So there’s not much strategy or competition, it’s just setting off traps.
Sadly, I couldn’t find an advert for the Elefun Fireflies game, but I did find this advert for regular Elefun and a demonstration of the Elefun Fireflies game:
Now here’s the demonstration of Elefun Fireflies:
The Elefun Fireflies game includes glow in the dark fireflies which you’re meant to catch. Did you notice something about that sentence? Yes, it was “in the dark.” Who the hell wants to play a game in the dark, even if it does glow. You wouldn’t play glow in the dark monopoly. And furthermore, in that demonstration, she’s playing it in the light, which really defeats the purpose of having a glow in the dark version. Also, watch the advert, then watch the demonstration. The advert depicts children having fun as a seemingly endless stream of moths is blown from the elephant’s trunk, but then in the demo, all the fireflies are blown out within seconds. There aren’t enough to have any amount of fun in this game. It’s essentially tipping the contents of a bin out onto the floor, cleaning it up, then emptying it again.
Laugh and Learn Dance and Play Puppy:
The perfect way to confuse your toddler this Christmas.
Apart from being the toy with the worst name in toy history, Laugh and Learn Dance and Play Puppy is also one of the most pointless toys ever. Let’s learn to clap! Yeah, because that’s a skill you desperately need. I hear they’re doing one that teaches children how to click their fingers. “Our Susie can’t walk or talk, but boy can she clap.” Plus, look how uninterested that child is, it has no idea what’s going on, and would much sooner eat the thing than listen to it.
Build stuff… out of cardboard and foam!
As cool as building stuff is, you want something more durable than card and foam tubes. The main problem I have is that it gives you one thing to build, so you know what you’re going to end up with, the exact same thing that’s on the box, whereas with something like Lego, you can build something unique and crazy, like a huge house on wheels with a helipad and eyes.
If you have any other suggestions for terrible toys or ghastly games then please do let us know in the comments below.