I’m a sad person. A sad, lonely person. All I do all day is sit around at home and watch children’s television, and then write about it. Well, today I’m doing a Captain Mack review, a CITV kids show which somehow manages to go on, despite every episode being the exact same.

Well, let’s start off with the characters. The main character is of course Captain Mack, an over the top super hero in a cheap fancy dress costume. Then there’s his annoying Scottish ape/man (can’t believe I just typed that) Samson, who I think is Mack’s equivalent of Alfred from Batman. And of course, there’s the mayor, because every superhero show needs a mayor.

Then there are the civilians, the people that Mack has to constantly save. Well, I say save, but we’ll get into that much later. The thing about the citizens of Sunshine City (that’s where they live) is that they’re played by the same four actors. There will be three of them while the fourth plays a villain. This always confused me, and I expect it confuses the children who watch this, because I can’t often tell which character is which. They’re all defined by their ridiculous names and simple characteristics. For example, Daisy Digger is a florist (GEDDIT?!) and Fineas Fixit is a mechanic (GEDDIT?!). I would complain about how stupid these names are, but with characters this bland, we need something to remember them by. To be honest, I can’t actually recall seeing any cars or flowers in sunshine city.

But that’s not important, I mean, no one cares about boring and expendable townsfolk, let’s take a look at the villains. As you may have guessed, their names reflect their personalities (of lack thereof). There’s Tracy Trickster, who, if you don’t already know, tricks people. Now, that kinda makes sense, this is after all a show for young children, so you can’t have anyone in any peril, so playing tricks is the next best thing. So that’s okay, but then there’s Marty Meddler, who looks like a cross dressing Riddler, and is always meddling. But is meddling really a crime? I mean, my mom meddles in stuff that doesn’t concern her, but I wouldn’t call an intergalactic superhero to come and tell her off. And finally, there’s Grabby Crabby, who’s always taking things which aren’t his, or stealing in other words. Now I’d have thought that having a crab’s claw would make someone a pretty good villain, imagine the battles, but of course, this isn’t that kind of show. F*cking writers.

And the annoying thing about the villains, and about the show itself, is how every episode ends the exact same. Let’s say Tracy Trickster has been tricking people, and they finally catch her. She says “Sorry, I’ll never do it again.” And then Captain Mack flies off to his HQ, and then, in the very next episode, she’s tricking people again! Sorry, didn’t you say just last week that you weren’t going to do this again, and now here you are, doing this again? That’s not a very good lesson for kids, as long as you say you’re sorry, you can get away with it again and again. And it’s the same for every villain, even Grabby Crabby, surely a serial thief is someone you’d lock up in prison.

And the way he finds out who it is is stupid too. Get this, he actually follows clues. Why? It’s obvious who it is who’s behind all of the local thefts, that f*cking crab man wearing make-up, go arrest him you idiot! And here’s another thing, at the beginning of every episode, Captain Mack returns to HQ and says something like “Well I’m back from battling the 50 foot earth worms of Calgon 6.” What? Battling 50 foot earth worms? Screw who’s been playing tricks on the towns people, I want to see that! And why, if this is what he does on a daily basis, is he wasting his time with these idiots who can’t figure out that it’s the local thief who’s stealing everything.

But, the show isn’t too dreadful, and yes, it’s silly and over the top, but that’s what makes it seem more like a parody of those superhero shows from the 70’s and 80’s, but mostly of the 1960’s Batman. The camp villains, the crap costumes and the overacting, as well as the overly dramatic narrator (“OH NO! What’s Tracy Trickster up to this time?”).

One episode which stands out in my mind is the one where Tracy Trickster tricks everyone into believing that a giant mouse is on the loose, and so it’s up to Captain Mack to stop this giant mouse (why anyone would be afraid of a giant mouse I don’t know), only to discover that it’s Tracy who’s behind the whole thing, and so, to teach a lesson and to get her to confess, he pretends that there’s also a giant cat on the loose. Of course she promises not to do it again, and does it a week later.

Plus, it seems that the cast are just having fun on set, and at times, it seems as though they’re trying to out-act each other, but of course, the mayor wins every time.

I haven’t seen every episode, so I don’t know how bad or good it is, but you’d think that there’d be a handful of episodes, maybe six, that way, each villain gets two episodes each. No. Not six. Try 52. 52?! 52 episodes based around one premise. My God!

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Our rating: 2 out of 5 stars (2 / 5) [divider top=”no” size=”1″ margin=”10″]

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