About Ben

Name: Benjamin Franklin Coleman
Age: 5ft 2"
Height: 23
Weight: 13 tonnes
Address: 34 Effingwell Drive
Claim to Fame: Looks a bit like the kid in Love Actually

Ben is a series of shy people. So shy in fact, nobody has seen him since 1963. Ben used to live in solitude, which is just outside Birmingham. If anybody does know where he is, please contact his mother, as she is very worried that he hasn't got his knitted cardigan with him. Before he left, Ben created the internet but forgot to patent it and someone else copied him. This happens a lot. Ben has his own website, completely and probably separate from this one, so check it out now (funk soul brother)... theimaginarysite.com

About Mike

Name: Michael Mason
Age: 12 yrs old
Height: Why do you ask?
Weight: Okay but for how long?
D.O.B.: Who are you anyhow?
Penis Length: Where’s an officer when you want one eh?

I am Michael Mason, otherwise known as Mike. I currently live in an orange, and I - not dissimilar to yourself I hope - am a person. When I’m not playing with myself (I’m a big fan of solitaire) I travel from park to park, telling stories of the days when dressing up as a black man wasn’t considered racist, and I sleep in a cupboard. In my spare time, I enjoy complaining about things and I'm only truly happy when everyone around me is more miserable than I. At this moment in time I must inform you that as you’re reading this I am actually watching you, and am planning on how to break into your house during the night and make breakfast for you, so I hope you like French Toast.