There is a show on ITV2 that wants you to know that it’s rubbish. How do they do this? By calling it I Wanna Marry ‘Harry’, what a horrible title. What is it about? Well let me tell you. A bunch of American girls are taken to London to find love, only to discover that they’re all competing against each other to win the affections of none other than PRINCE F*CKING HARRY! Only, it’s not Prince Harry, it’s a look-a-like called Matthew Hicks, but they don’t know that, they think he’s really Prince Harry. So, will the women fall in love with Prince Harry? Or Matthew Hicks? Maybe they would fall in love with the real him is he wasn’t PRETENDING TO BE PRINCE HARRY ALL THE TIME!
I mean, imagine if you fell in love with Prince Harry, then it turned out to be some actor, but you thought “Well I’ve really gotten to know him over the last few weeks, and he’s a genuinely nice guy.” Only to later discover that he’s some wine swigging failed actor living with another failed actor in a filthy, cold and damp apartment with of piles of washing up and inhabited by drug dealers.
He says “I have to convince them that I’m Prince Harry, but the goal is for them to like me for who I am.” Yeah, because lying to a girl about who you are for weeks on end, and filming the whole thing for television is the way to a girl’s heart!
So, back to the formula of the show. Despite the fact the guy looks, according to the voice over, “a lot like Prince Harry” it’s never actually established whether it is him or not. The butler refers to him as “sir” and at one point a girl asks his name and he says “That’s for me to know, and for you to find out.” Most of them believe he is Harry though, believing this is a fairy tale and they are competing with one another for the chance to marry Prince Harry. Oh, and to make it seem more like a fairy tale, they’ve put them in a castle. Yes, an actual castle.
And the women all feel the same, “this could not be more romantic” “it’s a dream” they say, “I love the love story where the girl meets her prince charming” etc. etc. Yeah, that’s not mean at all. And this Matthew Hicks guy, he’s not rich, in fact, this is where he lives:
You can’t see much there, but it sure isn’t a castle. Oh, and you know how I said the girls are all American, well that’s because it’s an American show. It was shown on Fox earlier this year, but was cancelled after four episodes. Half the series was aired when they cancelled this piece of crap! What does that tell you? The Telegraph called the show “fodder for the braindead” which is an understatement, I actually felt myself getting dumber whilst watching it. And the concept of the show isn’t even original. It was done back in 2003 with a show called Joe Millionaire, which is pretty much exactly the same. Anyway, I’m not even past the opening credits, and already I want to gouge out my eyes and eat them.
The first thing I hate about this show is the girls. Oh my God they’re annoying. Barely three minutes in and I hate them already. “I totally believe in fairy tales.” Says one girl, and quite frankly, that doesn’t surprise me, she’s a f*cking idiot! “I’m here to get my prince charming, and a happy ending” says another. Is she expecting him to wank her off then?
At first, they don’t know who the guy is, so they don’t know they’re looking to potentially marry Prince Harry. “I think he’s British” says one girl. Well yeah! You’re in f*cking Britain! Why would they take you to a huge estate in England if the guy was from New Jersey? They’d take you to New Jersey! DUUUHH!
One girl says “I wonder what he’s doing right now” before we cut to Matthew waking up in his shitty little house as the voice over describes him as “Single” and “Poor.” So poor in fact that he even says himself that he’s “Borrowing a friend’s bike to cycle to work.” Matt also says he is “Looking for love” which is lucky really, as during the opening we see him kissing various girls. It’s a shame they don’t do one where Ricky Tomlinson is looking for a young wife, coz I might be in for a shot if they do.
He says he’s trying to find a genuine connection with a girl, but if that were so why wouldn’t he do it the normal ways? Y’know, maybe go out with friends, chat up some girls, or how about trying online dating? I know it’s often seen as sad, but a lot of people these days meet online. Anyway, this guy is given his own castle, helicopter and a boat, among other things, security, a household staff and a stereotypical butler named Kingsley.
Look at him! He’s wearing a bowler hat! Can you get anymore stereotypical? See, this is how American’s imagine the British. Matt is also given a “crash course in how to be Harry.” Which appears to just be reading a book about him. Just kidding, he’s also given useless information like what year Harry was born, I guess just in case one of the girls asks that. He’s given lessons in proper Royal etiquette, like dressing up as a Nazi, not really, it’s all about table manners and what not. C’mon! The real Prince Harry knows nothing about f*cking etiquette! His idea of table manners is not getting his cock out until after dessert.
Anyway enough of this shit, this guy is really really boring. He’s not a convincing Harry, if he was he’d be flirting with the girls by getting drunk and waving his dick in their face. Back to the girls whp speculate on who the guy is. “Is he a British guy who likes American girls?” looking at this lot, I’ve gone off American girls. All the girls are around early to mid-twenties, with different jobs and backgrounds. “I’m smart, I’m funny, I’m beautiful” says Meghan, 25, who should have added “I’m also a total bitch” at the end of that sentence.
Then we go back to Matt preparing to make his grand entrance. Oh I do hope it’s the same as the one we saw in the opening where he comes in via helicopter, coz I want to see that again! So he’s off with his helicopter, saying “I’m genuinely looking for love” because that seems to be all he can say, and we go into an advert break.
After the break we meet more girls, Chelsea, 21 introduces herself as “I’m a little off my rocker, but that is fine” which is true because most of the Royal family seem nuts. She says her dream guy doesn’t have to be tall, but has to be “handsome, rich, funny… rich.” It’s as if she’s saying “If you didn’t think I was a bitch before, you definitely do now!” Whatever happened to loving someone for who they are?
We then meet Leah, 24, who looks a bit like Courtney Love, and that’s all I’m bothered to say about this person, because Harry is about to make his entrance via chopper. The girls are all screaming and exciting, one of them comments “We can see what he looks like when he gets out.” Yes. Yes you can. Have a biscuit.
So he gets out and everyone is amazed it’s Prince Harry. “I love him already.” Says one women, because who cares about his terrible personality and private life, it’s PRINCE F*CKING HARRY! HE’S RICH Y’KNOW! Jacqueline, 25, doesn’t think it actually is Prince Harry, saying “It can’t be.” It’s as if she’s read the same Wikipedia article as me. Another girl says “Who else has secret service? The Queen. The President… Michael Jackson, and I don’t think it’s one of them.” No, because last time I checked, the Queen wasn’t a guy, the President was black, and Michael Jackson was still dead.
Matthew is then taken to the master suite, which is where we get this image:
Really? Because I thought Prince Harry’s nickname was Matt. I mean, why did they add that? Were they afraid the people watching this show would be so dumb they’d forget the premise of it half way through? If so, I’m not surprised, I can’t imagine anyone other than a complete moron watching this horrible show.
So he talks and I don’t care because he’s so boring. He’s like a deer in the headlights, he has no idea what to do, except for remind us that he’s looking for someone to connect with. The girls are told there will be a masquerade ball in the garden later, and they all gasp, then they’re told they will “get to know sir then” and they all scream. Kingsley tries to smile…
…and fails, before telling them that at the end of the evening, one of them will be chosen to “take up residence in the Crown Suite, adjacent to sir’s private room, and that lady, will be the first to spend some time alone with sir.” Then, he says that one of them will be leaving, and the girls act as if they didn’t know that would happen.
Also, Harry has given them gifts which turn out to be clothes, and one girl reacts by screaming “OH MY GOD!” Christ has no one ever bought her clothes before?
One girl mentions that someone will be eliminated, and the voice over says that “One girl will be asked to leave the castle tonight.” Nice of them to mention this twice, because I forgot Kingsley mentioning this barely a minute ago. Then we officially meet Meghan, 25, who says she expects boyfriends to spoil her, and also says she’s smart and hot. Man, these seem like a bunch of lovely women. So far we’ve learned that they’re shallow, egotistical, and care mostly about money and wealth. Man, are they gonna be disappointed at the end of the series or what?
Kimberly, 23 (I think, I can’t remember) mentions that a guy has never bought her a dress, and says that she doesn’t care if he’s Prince Harry, she just wants a guy who makes her feel special. It’s as if she read my last paragraph. Not Harry pops up again to stink up this show with his boring… everything, so I’ll skip that bit. We meet Anna Lisa, 23, who’s occupation is “Miss Los Angeles.” Is that not more of a title than an occupation?
Leah seems to be intimidated, not by the idea of dating Harry, or anything like that, no, she’s intimidated by the other girls. At one point, she says “I’m not pretty.” I guess me saying she looks like Courtney Love earlier didn’t help things either.
She kinda does though. One girl says “If I dressed like Leah, I’d look like an absolute imbecile.” Man, it’s as if they want us to hate them! Next Rose, 22, flashes her underpants which is followed by a clip of her saying she’s a pre-school teacher “…and, kind of a naughty one.” Wh… what? “I dress all cute at school, but then go home with me and see what I was wearing underneath.” Not a lot I imagine. See, if you did that sort of stuff in England, you’d be put on a register.
After this Jacequeline, 25, the one who didn’t think Harry was really Harry, says “I’m awesome” and I say to the TV “F*ck off the lot of you skanks.” She also says that guys drive women crazy. The only way I’ve driven girls crazy is with my incessant rambling. Then it’s back to Not Harry, who says “I’m here to find a relationship.” YES WE KNOW!
Kingsley tells him to “Stiffen up.” Cheeky! Anyway, another ad break, as we see the girls asking him stuff like “Do you own this estate?” and “How old are you?” Huh, I guess it was a good thing he was told all this ‘useless’ information I complained about earlier.
Back to the show where Harry says “Everything that has happened has been building up to this moment.” Did he forget there are seven more episodes of this? Man, this guy isn’t good on camera, he clearly has no idea what to say so says stuff that sounds stupid, and when he’s not doing that he’s reminding us he’s genuinely looking for love.
It’s time for the ball, and Harry is meeting the girls. One girl mentions Harry’s “piercing blue eyes.” It’s a good thing she doesn’t know Real Harry’s eyes are green. Carley, 24, says she doesn’t know what Harry is looking for but she thinks that the fact she is intelligent sets her apart from the other girls. Not so, according to them, they’re all intelligent, as well as funny, sexy, and money grabbing, exactly what every man wants!
Kelley, 24, says she noticed a British accent (I assume because Prince Harry is Britsh) and thought “Oh my God, what am I doing here?” … You’re supposed to be winning his affection! Unless they picked up the wrong girl and she isn’t really supposed to be there. Meghan, who I mentioned earlier, doesn’t believe it is him, saying “I’ve seen enough pictures of him in my life, and I don’t think it is him.” Harry, I should mention, was wearing a mask at the time. Is she there thinking “Hmm, in the pictures I’ve seen of Harry, he was never wearing a black mask.” Harry then says “The girls are coming out two by two, I’m all a flutter.” Sorry, but did he just start doing the DVD commentary?
Harry says he will play the role of the “mysterious man.” Boring would have been a better word. Then they ask him questions, but you feel that the bulk of them are so stupid he could say anything and they’d believe him. “Where are you from originally?” “Singapore, my mother bought me from a fishmongers.” “I see.” One girl actually calls Buckingham Palace “Beckingham Palace.”
Harry says that Rose is coy but has a flirty side. Just ask her pre-schoolers, they’ll tell you how flirty she really is. Harry pulls her aside for a chat, and Rose slips, but luckily Harry is there to stop her falling. Rose describes this as a fairy tale beginning. Yeah, it’s like a Disney movie alright… Old Yeller.
Matt keeps mentioning how loud all American girls seem to be, describing them as “brash.” But he seems to like how forward and flirty Rose is. I suppose if he can’t find true love then he can at least get a blowjob or something. Just thinking, how can he find true love on this show? Because he can’t move to America to be with this girl because, he has said himself, he’s too poor, and I doubt any girl would be willing to move to England, abandoning her friends and family for just some guy. Hey, who knows – or more to the point, who cares?
The voice over says that it’s been a magical evening, “but at the stroke of midnight, the girls and Matt will have to unmask.” Yes and the carriage will turn into a pumpkin, and the castle will turn into an old shed. Not Harry unmasks as we go into our final ad break. After the break, we see the reaction to Matt’s unmasking, and they are all convinced it is him. And truthfully, he does look a lot like Harry, I know I’ve said that three or four times so far, but it’s true. Kingsley, or Smiler as I call him, whisks Matt away to make his decisions, who will stay in the Crown Suite, and who will piss off back home?
He chooses coy but flirty Rose and Courtney Love as potential losers/Crown Suite inhabitants, and Kingsley fetches them. He speaks to both of them, weighs up the pros and cons, before telling Leah to sling her hook, then he says “It’s been lovely to get to know you” despite the fact he hasn’t gotten to know her. He gives Rose the key to the Crown Suite, and she refers to him as her “new boyfriend.” It’s the first night! IT’S THE FIRST EPISODE! The show’s not over yet!
We then cut to the girls talking about Leah, one says she liked her a lot, another says she was a genuine girl, which is a far cry from saying that her clothes would make anyone else look like an imbecile. Then Rose comes in to announce that she’s staying in the Crown Suite, and Meghan is clearly pissed off. Jealous much?
So that’s the show. We’re treated to a “Next time on I Wanna Marry Harry…” but I couldn’t give a shit about what will happen next time on I Wanna Marry ‘Harry’. It’s a bad show. It’s not the worst thing I’ve watched, but I can’t see myself watching another episode of this tripe. Hell, I could barely get through one freaking episode! Although, I do find myself intrigued. Who will he pick to win? And how will they react to the fact that he isn’t Harry? I imagine they’d be okay with it, but as soon as the cameras go off they’d be pissed.
Our rating: (2 / 5)